Skipping the foreplay, I went to straight to humping the Deep Sea Current! I was more than ready. It was a freaking miracle, an answered prayer, and an unbelievable jackpot all rolled into one being reunited with my dear ship. Calling it a ship now was a bit of a stretch. Mysteriously, the Current was transformed into Drick, a living draconic wind, sometime after it was left to rot in its shipwreck at the bottom of the Maelstrom. I’d also hump whoever saved the Current. So much humping would be had! Sadly, all the sweet humping was cut short. Ssila’meshnik, the Colorless Lord, was barreling towards us shooting his unruly magic like parade fireworks. The bastard just wouldn’t quit! Fine! I was on fire. Squandering this miraculous second chance was not an option. If it wanted a fire fight, I was more than ready to oblige.
“Thank You, Current. We Will Take It From HERE!” I encouraged. We worked seamlessly to prepare for battle. Lorenz pulled out a special salve from a fancy Abadar box that I’d never seen him use before. The oily cream returned Master Goethe’s glow back to flesh and bone from rock and stone. Goethe stood up, gave a short look to Myrrh, and gave me a nod. One after another, slow and steady, we each turned to the Colorless Lord itching at our heels. We stood together in a line, arms folded, and stared down Ssila’meshnik with locked jaws. Our intent on full display!
It was the first time I got a good look at a Keketar. It was albino, skin like steel cut oats, emerald eyes, serpentine features, and human hands. Also, it was fucking huge! Taller than a ship’s main mast, long, and sinuous. A scraggily white beard on his chin and a gray handlebar mustache gave him the look of a deranged grandpa. A lonely crown flashed like the Northern Lights above its snaky head. Hahaha, definitely room for two more crowns! Thanks Myrrh! A look of utter exasperation stared back at us, one of its eyes twitched, and then it gritted his teeth. It let out a kingly roar that cowered and warped the Maelstrom like a brutalized serf. We were very much behind enemy lines, in its kangaroo court. Domes of energy the size of willow trees began forming around us. I flipped the beast the bird.
“Negotiating with him looks tough” spouted Lorenz.
“Aye,letsshakethebastard” garbled Mr. Finn.
“Time to finish this” squeaked Myrrh.
“I think it’s casting a spell…” deduced Master Goethe.
One of the energy domes directly in front of us took a hard form. Drick slammed into a net of three inch thick steel crossbars and we were swallowed up like a collapsed mine shaft. I’m not a math Kobold but I know when something going really fast hits something super hard that isn’t moving, broken bones is the result. The iron kiss rung my bell, everything went hazy and blurry, but not dark. My senses returned in short order, only to see that the ivory Cock was on our assholes, surrounded by a rainbow cowl, and talking shit.
The ringing stopped.
“Give me my crown!” screamed the immense Protean with fury. I shot him. It didn’t penetrate the rainbow. Fuck rainbows they can go to hell! Goethe signaled that wouldn’t work. Ssila punished us by manifesting a torrent of knives and blades that hit us from all angles. The suspended steel cage made dodging more than a little difficult. Poor Goethe resembled a bloody pincushion by the end of it. Begads, it had the power to pull things into reality!
“Last Chance Mortals!”
No one tells me when it’s my last chance. Not a reality warping Protean Lord or a Pirate Goddess or a Red Archdevil. My crew makes our own last chances and all chances after that. Especially, went it comes to stalling! That’s my rule of law. I ordered Mr. Finn to hold up the Lantern crown and I aimed my cannon at it. I can play dirty too! Real dirty.
“Wrong, this is your last chance you pale bastard. Stand down” I retaliated with cocked musket. I doubted the delicate crystal contraption was bullet proof, especially from my armor piercing bullets.
“Now-Now, don’t be hasty, friend” shifted Ssila, in a complete 180 in tone, “We can talk about this.” It seemed taken aback. What the hell was this Lantern?
“Return what is mine and I will let you go. That will be the end of it” it slithered gently. The color spray around him turned a robin’s egg blue. A reasonable request if it was telling truths. I can understand getting back your stuff. What I couldn’t understand is why he kept Vaghol like a slave. I was ready to negotiate. Maybe if we gave back the Lantern that would be enough? I turned to Lorenz, he was a better gauge in these delicate situations. Lorenz shook his head. As did Myrrh. Goethe was lost studying the rainbow for weaknesses.
“Youcan’thavethecrowns. We don’t turn over friends” blabbed Mr. Finn. I couldn’t have said it better myself!
“WHAT? You have my Sextant and my Lantern! I’ll kill you!” raged the inhuman keketar. Our steel cage lurched forward; the rainbow fire began melting the first few bars. It was drawing us in slowly. I started squeezing my trigger, “Kiss your Lantern goodbye, douche”
“Stop! Captain blast through those paper weight bars” demanded Lornez, grabbing my shoulder.
I fired! The shot missed the Lantern by a hair, but obliterated the steel bars behind us into ragged shrapnel. Instantly, Lorenz pushed through the small hole and urged us to follow him. We all squeezed through the opening getting some bloody cuts and bruises. Drick supplied a nice foothold. Goethe summoned a hoard of elementals and devils to further stall Ssila. I flew ahead ready to fire if the coward ever left his rainbow fortress.
The Colorless Lord poked a hand through its prismatic barrier and let out powerful burst of warp waves directed at Drick. Dick! Drick destabilized for a quick instant, but regathered himself at Lorenz’s urging. That was the last straw! Goethe knew the plan. When muddying the waters backfires, plan B is running like the wind. Master Goethe’s powerful magic surged through everyone’s vines, and the world went slow while our hearts pumped like humping monkeys.
“Drick, we’re leaving! Take us away!” I ordered. Drick took off like an oversized rocket in low gravity. Its warm embrace enveloped everyone as it whipped by. The Colorless Lord was a speck in our rear-view in a snap! I flipped another bird.
“Come Back Hereeeeeeee!” caterwauled the Chaotic Lord. His lung capacity must be immense because it took a while for the cry to fade. That’s what you get when you don’t play fair with us! We run! Ssila was only a pit stop, no need to spill any more blood. We had Vaghol and that was all that mattered. I don’t give a shit if Vaghol was created by Ssila, it was a member of my crew. When our navigator asks for protection that’s exactly what we’re are going to provide. I doubted the Colorless Lord would set a tentacle in Axis, which was on the other side of the Cerulean Void, waiting for us.
The Maelstrom around Ssila began to crack like a mirror. Pieces of reality shattered to the sea. In a bright flash of energy the Colorless Lord disappeared.
It wasn’t over, not by a long shot.